Saturday, September 10, 2011

Top 10 list of shit that's been going on (or was inhaled) lately.

Oh hey everybody, what’s been goin on? Nothin? Oh that’s lame.
Here’s a top 10 of my life over the last month or so...

1.  My brother posted an ad on Craig’s list for a FORD SHO ENGINE W/ RACE CAMS - $700
This is a response he received:
Hi, I was wondering if you may be interested in trading (full or partial) for professional tattoo work.
Thanks, Thom
Umm, my brother chose not to trade the engine for a sweet sweet rhino tattoo from the guy name Thom. THOM?


2. Here are some online dating gems I’ve met. And I use the term DATING very very loosely.
Meet MAGICROCKER008….
Not only is he a recording artist/music producer, DJ…. (Because who isn’t?)
He is also a SWAT dude? Tactical something? I’m not sure…but it scares me. But I’ve been brushing up on my own tactical skills so I am confident I could take him out at 450ft. (see below)

3. Meet ButtLover2720, ya that’s right. Love the Butts…


I checked out his profile, because his name is BUTTLOVER! Come on. And I SWORE I read “I LOVE ANAL” in his profile. The next day I went to show Irma and it was gone?!

Ah ha! I wasn’t crazy!

 4. I changed my profile to try and deter guys sending me messages like “SUP”.
I added a feature that enforces a character limit of 50 for the message being sent to me.


It took me a while to figure out what this dude did….

Then it dawned on me….he cut and pasted the ERROR MESSAGE into the body of the email to meet the 50 character setting. And that’s it. No message. Nothing. WTF.

 

 5. So ya. I’m still single. I think I’ll hit 40,000 profile views today. Do I get a prize? Fuck off.

6. I got to spend my birthday at the shooting range, it was awesome. And I can hit a bottle cap from 450 feet away. What’s up bitches?  

7. Uhh Yeah Dude is still the best podcast ever. Even when people from the UYD Nation are rude, whiny or bleeding heart stalkers on facebook or the forum. So now I just have tunnel vision and only listen to their mellifluous voices on my headphones.


 If you’re not listening, fuck you. Don’t read my blog, they are god damned funny and you should be listening by now. Welcome to 2011’s people.
8. I wish I would have got these awesome pictures of my brain BEFORE I inhaled my nose piercing this weekend. Blah blah….Ya I know I’m accident prone. And I have started keeping a list of the possible ways I may die. Because I know it won’t be of natural causes.
For the people who don’t understand twitter language….
That’s:
  • Torn aorta from nose piercing
  • Glass shard that travels to vital organ
  • Paper shredder
  • Punctured lung
  • Torn anus
  • Tetanus
  • Accidental laceration
  • Infection from cut/stab/slash
  • Getting trapped behind a large piece of furniture (it happens..see here)
  • Metal object in eye ball
  • Aneurism/Migraine/Brain Explosion
  • Pin that travels to heart
  • Stapling a body part
  • Hit by ice cream truck because I’m blind

I’m not making this list up…it’s based on my LIFE. And according to Irma I “need to be put in a home or get life alert”

9. My asshole-no-underwear-wearing-take-pictures-of-their-butts-with-my-camera-family told me to Google “BLUE WAFFLE” (do it, go ahead, it’s cool, but not you Mom. Mom DO NOT GOOGLE IT, for real) 
Ya. That almost made me puke. But I didn’t. I just spent the next 2 hours trying to find how TO NEVER GET BLUE WAFFLE! You can’t avoid it apparently. Or you can if you never have sex. So I am way ahead of the rest of you fuckers. Good luck with that.


10. I am a mysterious creature, its no secret. But I didnt know I could wooo a man with my thumbs's's. All three of them? ugh, I dont understand?



My thumbs said SO MUCH TO YOU? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

There are like 25 other pictures of me, and THIS is the one that moved him? Does he think I have 3 hands? 2 right thumbs? WTF?


Meh....Thats all I got. 

Oh and I messed up my layout. So enjoy this goofy format for now.
Godspeed!