Thursday, April 14, 2011

Ya, I'm just gonna keep making up boyfriends in my head. Its cool.

Ok – The new round of online dating warrants a post.
To be fair, here is my profile…Don’t judge! Your gonna have to click the pics to read this crap & get the full effect, but totally worth it.
(I used to have a serious, nice, schmoopie kinda profile…but that didn’t work either)

Its not that I care about a guy having a BMW or a Benz, its the psycholgy of it!
Think about every dude you've seen in a 1996 Ford Mustang...I'll wait.

Look, my first car was a MUSTANG it was DOPE! Because it was so dorky that it was cool. A hatchback, burgandy & had cloth seats. Awesome. Like this gem. (but not as cool)

* Shelby's do not count. Its the douche canoes in-between so dorky its cool & Shelby!
Ok continue...

Hi, Hi, Hi....are you ALL OKKKK?

Hey fuckface...Out of allllll the words in the english language, you chose BIG MOMMA to use when attempting to speak to me? REALLY? Thats the best you could fucking muster up?
Here's a new rule. Dont EVER, EVERRRR use the words BIG or MOMMA when talking to any woman other Tyler Perry or Martin Lawrence. Douche.

I WOULD NOT like to imagine. Thanks. I just did. Now I hate you more.

A CASTLE! FOR MEEEEE!!!! I'm so lucky that you ran out of YOUR comfort zone into MINE and made an exception for this pretty lady.
Bring your orange friend! we are gonna cuddle it the fuck up!

And a few dudes who have viewed me.

I didnt even notice he does like sleeves...missed that the first 6 times I stared at this trying to figure out WHY?

Again...Dudes...KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON. ON. ON YOUR BODY! at all times. Seriously. We dont wanna see your nipples. Young or old, we DONT WANNA SEE.
When we do wanna see, we will tell you.

This proves my point EXACTLY.
The fact that he found my profile out of millions. Stopped.
Built up enough pissyness to email me.
I have seen mens profiles saying shit like NO CHUBBIES & NO FAT CHICKS. I dont email the guys to stand up for all chub-chubs around the world! I move the fuck on.

YES. Yes I do believe that.

Maria, what do gay horses eat?
What Tommy?

And a lovely conversation I had with Uma today...

Me:  I don't even know what to sayyyyyyy

Uma:  you are gonna say... lets go out on a date.

Me:  but I don’t know what CLAP EM CHEEKS MEANS!
And...Wait. Is his name foreveraloneJPG? The JPG is PART OF THE NAME LOL
he is either hysterical or a total nut job. I'm so confused LOL

Uma:  clamp em cheeks means put his hands on your cheeks and squeeze and make yo face squishy. He’s cute... go out with him

Me:  this is how I know my brain is fucked. The only “clappin of cheeks” I am familiar with is like stripper...booty clappin kinda cheeks. Where did my life go wrong?

Uma:  well, maybe he means it in a sexual way... only one way to find out.



Anonymous said...

OMG! You are right........Uma is wrong.....he wants a booty clap! LOL.

PS.........I now love my iPad. ;). Miss you!

Anonymous said...

Sorry....very important.

Booty clap = your but cheeks shaking so hard that they are making a clapping sound. Similar to something you may see in a rap video or in a strip club.

Glad you will NOT be going for a coffee or ANYTHING with this fella! Especially NO booty clapping wih him!

Anonymous said...

Crap! Why can't I just have 1 post without all these gosh darn mess-ups?!

Butt is spelled with two count them twoooooooo t's!


BigButterHeysus said...

I thought you meant "booty clapping wih him" With LOL