Sunday, April 24, 2011

Dead foot skin towel....remains The Best Easter EVER.

Let me preface this story with this:

I share this story with you at GREAT embarrassment to myself (and my cousin) It covers almost everything a girl should NOT do. BUT it is by far one of the funniest things to happen in my family and must be shared. So here you are…

It is Easter Day, Me, my Brother…we’ll call him “Mot” and my cousin…"Ekim” just finished a HUGE dinner at my other cousin "Irol's" house. We come back to my apartment to relax…Mot is watching a race on TV and Ekim is reading. So I find this a good time to catch up some much needed foot maintenance. I bust out the cheese grater contraption and file all my dead skin worries away into a towel on the floor. I take the towel outside and dump what dead skin I can into the bushes and throw the towel on top of the washer, and go on about my life.

Fast forward to a couple hours later….

The big dinner has kicked in for all of us…Mot is sleeping in a turkey/pie coma in the bedroom and Ekim is in the bathroom…well you know. And I have a bubbling stomach…BAD. I go into the bedroom where Mot is sleeping soundly to get something and “let one slip”. It was bad…really smelled like feet and burnt corn chips.

So I jet out into the hallway giggling and run into the kitchen.

As soon as I get in the kitchen Ekim comes walking up the hallway and SCREAMS "OH! MY! GOD!!!!! WHAT! WHAT IS THAT!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Apparently I wafted into the hallway a bit…

So he runs into the kitchen frantically looking for something to mask the smell, I am roaring laughing which wakes up Mot, who gets up to see what all the commotion is about.
Ekim can’t find anything, so he grabs the first thing he could find to cover his face…that’s right. He grabs the dead foot skin towel from on top of the washer to cover his mouth to breathe in.

My response to this was not: “OH EKIM, NO! Not that towel it has dead skin foot chunks in it!”

My response was: slam to the floor crying laughing and pointing…

He realizes what he is LAUGHING AND BREATHING into and immediately starts puking in the trash can.

To which my response is: pee my pants on the kitchen floor. Everywhere. Which makes him puke more.

Mot is totally confused, looking at his sister laughing hysterically in a puddle of pee and his cousin throwing up in the trash can.

Ekim hates me at this point so after a good time spent laughing I get cleaned up and come back out to face him. We decide lets all go out for a smoke and analyze how this incident happened.

We meet my neighbors Zot and Moe out there and they want to hear the story! So I begin to tell them. But with the incident still being fresh, I couldn’t get through it without peeing my pants AGAIN…right there in the hallway on the cement. Not my proudest moments but even typing this, I am laughing.

This story is dedicated to Mo - Jon Bowman. Thank you for being a dear friend to many. You are truly missed by more people than you ever imagined.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Ya, I'm just gonna keep making up boyfriends in my head. Its cool.

Ok – The new round of online dating warrants a post.
To be fair, here is my profile…Don’t judge! Your gonna have to click the pics to read this crap & get the full effect, but totally worth it.
(I used to have a serious, nice, schmoopie kinda profile…but that didn’t work either)

Its not that I care about a guy having a BMW or a Benz, its the psycholgy of it!
Think about every dude you've seen in a 1996 Ford Mustang...I'll wait.

Look, my first car was a MUSTANG it was DOPE! Because it was so dorky that it was cool. A hatchback, burgandy & had cloth seats. Awesome. Like this gem. (but not as cool)

* Shelby's do not count. Its the douche canoes in-between so dorky its cool & Shelby!
Ok continue...

Hi, Hi, Hi....are you ALL OKKKK?

Hey fuckface...Out of allllll the words in the english language, you chose BIG MOMMA to use when attempting to speak to me? REALLY? Thats the best you could fucking muster up?
Here's a new rule. Dont EVER, EVERRRR use the words BIG or MOMMA when talking to any woman other Tyler Perry or Martin Lawrence. Douche.

I WOULD NOT like to imagine. Thanks. I just did. Now I hate you more.

A CASTLE! FOR MEEEEE!!!! I'm so lucky that you ran out of YOUR comfort zone into MINE and made an exception for this pretty lady.
Bring your orange friend! we are gonna cuddle it the fuck up!

And a few dudes who have viewed me.

I didnt even notice he does like sleeves...missed that the first 6 times I stared at this trying to figure out WHY?

Again...Dudes...KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON. ON. ON YOUR BODY! at all times. Seriously. We dont wanna see your nipples. Young or old, we DONT WANNA SEE.
When we do wanna see, we will tell you.

This proves my point EXACTLY.
The fact that he found my profile out of millions. Stopped.
Built up enough pissyness to email me.
I have seen mens profiles saying shit like NO CHUBBIES & NO FAT CHICKS. I dont email the guys to stand up for all chub-chubs around the world! I move the fuck on.

YES. Yes I do believe that.

Maria, what do gay horses eat?
What Tommy?

And a lovely conversation I had with Uma today...

Me:  I don't even know what to sayyyyyyy

Uma:  you are gonna say... lets go out on a date.

Me:  but I don’t know what CLAP EM CHEEKS MEANS!
And...Wait. Is his name foreveraloneJPG? The JPG is PART OF THE NAME LOL
he is either hysterical or a total nut job. I'm so confused LOL

Uma:  clamp em cheeks means put his hands on your cheeks and squeeze and make yo face squishy. He’s cute... go out with him

Me:  this is how I know my brain is fucked. The only “clappin of cheeks” I am familiar with is like stripper...booty clappin kinda cheeks. Where did my life go wrong?

Uma:  well, maybe he means it in a sexual way... only one way to find out.