Monday, January 24, 2011

Did Madea just do that? Where'd you go? I just threw up a lil in ma mouth...

I have list of things to be posted on BBH. I don’t have time to do them all, so I have decided to just start knockin out this list. People are talking shit about me not posting anymore so here’s a lil nugget for ya.
One day I was hanging out with my cousin Mikey or you may know him as Ekim. Ok wait; let me fill you in a bit about Mikey just in case you haven’t read the other posts about him such asDead Foot Skin Towel, Bathroom Guide , I see your germiness and raise you one, SINNER or Damn you Vodka where are my pants!

He is hilarious. Is one of my best friends and I love him dearly. He tends to puke easily and has issues with choking on his food. For real, he takes a bite and a drink immediately, food and liquid in the mouth at the same time. Beef stew & milk…Pizza & water…just so he doesn’t choke. Food can’t be mixed together on the plate though. He hates creamer…and midgets equally. He has a pristine shower ritual consisting of washing everything in order head to toe, three times. So for years he was just 3 times cleaner than the rest of us. Then Old Spice came out with their 3X Clean, High Endurance Body Wash…which technically makes him 9 times cleaner than us.

Anywho…I tell you all this so you can understand the severity of the trauma this story inflicted on him. It’s gross for a normal person to witness but for a Mikey, its atomic melt down level.

We are leaving Old navy one day which of course has a Marshall’s store right next door. We get in his truck and are discussing what to do next when we see a car a row ahead of us that catches our attention.
There are two large, old African American ladies attempting to get out of the vehicle. They both look like Tyler Perry’s Madea.
Ok that’s fun to watch for a second. But once they get out of the Ford Tempo, we watch them converge around the back passenger door and are looking around the parking lot very suspiciously. As if they are checking for security guards or ninjas? Ok they totally have our attention now. What are they gonna do? They don’t seem very spry so whatever they are planning is gonna be awesome right? I am praying they are gonna do something like that lady who took a shit on a sidewalk or something!

This is what goes down…
Lady #1 gets a Marshalls bag out of the back of the car, removes a shoe box, takes out a pair of beat up sneakers and puts it all on the trunk.
Lady #2 plays “look out” / “friend to lean on”
Lady #1 attempts to stand on one leg while holding her friend for stability, she removes the shoe that she is wearing on her foot…puts it to her mouth and proceeds to LICK IT FROM HEEL TO TOE and all around the shoe. Puts it in the shoe box and puts on the old sneaker.
Not like a little stick your tongue kinda deal either. Like a open the mouth as wide as you can full on LICK.

She does the same process for the foot. At this point I am screaming/crying/laughing in the truck. Mikey is dry heaving and laughing.
We watch the ladies take the freshly licked/cleaned up shoes into Marshalls, to what we assume was a return. By now Mikey is out of the truck and I can’t tell if he is puking or laughing so hard he is gagging. Either way it was one of the best spotting of total ghetto-ness witnessed and I am glad to have shared it with cousin Mikey.

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