Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Inappropriately Refreshing Ikea Illumination of Epiphany

Writing about boys or my actual feelings it not really my thing here on Big Butter but sometimes is ok right?
So, 3 years ago I had my heart ripped out by the Cuban. So I did what the magazines say and took a year off to “find myself” which worked out fine for the first year, I guess. No dates, no nothing. Good so far right?
The next year I got some wild hair up my ass and thought it would be a good idea to check in on the dude I didn’t want to marry in Nashville 4 yrs before. That didn’t work out and reminded me that my poor decision making in men isn’t quite fined tuned yet. So add on another full year and here we are. 3 years later.
Aside from a good yearly breakdown, I have been totally fine being single. I started going to school again and have a great outlook on life. There is a guy that I really like but he has his head up his ass so what can I do. That was a big kick to the ute. Whatevs.
This brings us to last weekend…
I decide I need to declutter/organize my condo. So I pick out this gigantic bookcase from ikea, destroy my art studio area to make room for it and go to get this bookcase.

I get my huge cart and go to aisle. Then! I get a how-have-you-been kind of email from the ex . I haven’t spoken to him in a year! Not since I told him I would have him arrested for stalking and possibly shoot him with a tranquilizer gun. I delete it and focus on the bookcase.
Ok 3 boxes, ok. Then I see in big red wording along the package “THIS ITEM REQUIRES TWO PEOPLE TO ASSEMBLE”. And that’s when all hell broke loose in Ikea.
The combination of being on the verge of cat lady syndrome + the ex’s email + the cluster fuck of liking a dude and it not going anywhere + THIS ITEM REQUIRES TWO PEOPLE TO ASSEMBLE = Complete nuclear meltdown in Ikea aisle.
I screamed FUCK THIS! (outloud) leave my cart, call Irma, crying & spitting out a million words per second.
Me (all in one breath & bawling/laughing):  DUDE! Thisfuckingbookshelfsays I needTWOpeople! I DONOTHAVETWOOOOO PEOPLE! GODDAMNIT! and******emailedme!WHY! OHBECAUSE ITS HISBIRTHDAYTODAY! FUCKHIM! FUCK!FUCK!FUCK! Whyhave I doneallthisfuckingwork tobehappywithmyself andfigureoutshit justto getshitonat Ikea! And Iactuallylike****andhe likesme! Butweare never gonnameet! I dontneedmorefriends! I needafuckingperson to helpmeget thisfuckingbookcase togetherbefore I become a hoarderandstart shitting inWalgreensbags! Andhavedeadcatsin myclothes! fuckthisshit! I leftmycart intheaisle& whyam Icrying!whatthefuckishappening!!!! ButI’mNOTok apparently! Becausethis shit, thisshitthatisgoingdown rightnowwww isn’tOK!
Irma: Umm, Maria.
Me: yes?
Irma: first. Did you take your meds?
Me: WHAT! YES!! AND FUCK YOU! My life is crumbling in IKEA damn it!
Irma: OK OK! I just wanted to check because sometimes you know you don’t get them with the mail order and all…
Me: ya that’s true. Sorry.
Irma: Ok, slow down…and what the fuck did you just say? Ikea? the dude? A bookshelf? Dead cats? An email? Its your birthday?
Irma does her sanity check / best friend magic and I came back to reality quickly. So I spend the weekend hating IKEA, how they don’t include screws and shit with their products & how everything is in Swedish Meatballs language.
I decide that aside from my meltdown in IKEA, I should prolly start dating again. What’s a gal to do in the twenty-elevens? I don’t go out, my friends are married, guys at school are socially inept. Fuck it. I decide to do match.com. Again…If anything it is always good for a laugh right? (See these gems from before)
One of the first dudes who “winks” at me is this gem.
Now before you people get all pissy with me. They wanna be treated like equals, right? Don’t be get all wishy washy because he’s in a wheelchair. Perhaps youuu have the problem with him being a wheelchair? Maybe you’re the discriminating one, Huh? Ya think about that. LOL
 It’s the COMBINATION OF WHEELCHAIR & HIS LAVISH KNOWLEDGE OF WOMEN.
You’re an “EX-PIMP”? And your name is “GOLDIE”?
“she don't need illumination, (she glows in the dark)” I know what illumination means, thank you.
I decided not to “wink” back at him. For a million reasons but mostly because when I read his profile this scenario popped in my head.
Goldie: Hey girl, hey (all sweet and pathetic like) come err, how you doin? How was your day? Good? That’s nice. You look nice...Then grabs my neck and SLAMS MY FACE ONTO HIS TIRE! BITCH! I TOLD YOU TO WEAR DEM GREEN PANTIES! (and smacks me with anything in his reach)
Me: Why do I have to wear the green ones?
GOLDIE: CUZ DAT’S DA CULA OF MONEY HO! And slaps the shit out of me. SILLY HO!


Soooo at this point I think I have 2 choices.
1.    Invest in some cats.
2.    Stay away from IKEA.

















Godspeed BITCHES!!!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Did Madea just do that? Where'd you go? I just threw up a lil in ma mouth...

I have list of things to be posted on BBH. I don’t have time to do them all, so I have decided to just start knockin out this list. People are talking shit about me not posting anymore so here’s a lil nugget for ya.
One day I was hanging out with my cousin Mikey or you may know him as Ekim. Ok wait; let me fill you in a bit about Mikey just in case you haven’t read the other posts about him such asDead Foot Skin Towel, Bathroom Guide , I see your germiness and raise you one, SINNER or Damn you Vodka where are my pants!

He is hilarious. Is one of my best friends and I love him dearly. He tends to puke easily and has issues with choking on his food. For real, he takes a bite and a drink immediately, food and liquid in the mouth at the same time. Beef stew & milk…Pizza & water…just so he doesn’t choke. Food can’t be mixed together on the plate though. He hates creamer…and midgets equally. He has a pristine shower ritual consisting of washing everything in order head to toe, three times. So for years he was just 3 times cleaner than the rest of us. Then Old Spice came out with their 3X Clean, High Endurance Body Wash…which technically makes him 9 times cleaner than us.

Anywho…I tell you all this so you can understand the severity of the trauma this story inflicted on him. It’s gross for a normal person to witness but for a Mikey, its atomic melt down level.

We are leaving Old navy one day which of course has a Marshall’s store right next door. We get in his truck and are discussing what to do next when we see a car a row ahead of us that catches our attention.
There are two large, old African American ladies attempting to get out of the vehicle. They both look like Tyler Perry’s Madea.
Ok that’s fun to watch for a second. But once they get out of the Ford Tempo, we watch them converge around the back passenger door and are looking around the parking lot very suspiciously. As if they are checking for security guards or ninjas? Ok they totally have our attention now. What are they gonna do? They don’t seem very spry so whatever they are planning is gonna be awesome right? I am praying they are gonna do something like that lady who took a shit on a sidewalk or something!

This is what goes down…
Lady #1 gets a Marshalls bag out of the back of the car, removes a shoe box, takes out a pair of beat up sneakers and puts it all on the trunk.
Lady #2 plays “look out” / “friend to lean on”
Lady #1 attempts to stand on one leg while holding her friend for stability, she removes the shoe that she is wearing on her foot…puts it to her mouth and proceeds to LICK IT FROM HEEL TO TOE and all around the shoe. Puts it in the shoe box and puts on the old sneaker.
Not like a little stick your tongue kinda deal either. Like a open the mouth as wide as you can full on LICK.

She does the same process for the foot. At this point I am screaming/crying/laughing in the truck. Mikey is dry heaving and laughing.
We watch the ladies take the freshly licked/cleaned up shoes into Marshalls, to what we assume was a return. By now Mikey is out of the truck and I can’t tell if he is puking or laughing so hard he is gagging. Either way it was one of the best spotting of total ghetto-ness witnessed and I am glad to have shared it with cousin Mikey.