Saturday, September 10, 2011

Top 10 list of shit that's been going on (or was inhaled) lately.

Oh hey everybody, what’s been goin on? Nothin? Oh that’s lame.
Here’s a top 10 of my life over the last month or so...

1.  My brother posted an ad on Craig’s list for a FORD SHO ENGINE W/ RACE CAMS - $700
This is a response he received:
Hi, I was wondering if you may be interested in trading (full or partial) for professional tattoo work.
Thanks, Thom
Umm, my brother chose not to trade the engine for a sweet sweet rhino tattoo from the guy name Thom. THOM?


2. Here are some online dating gems I’ve met. And I use the term DATING very very loosely.
Meet MAGICROCKER008….
Not only is he a recording artist/music producer, DJ…. (Because who isn’t?)
He is also a SWAT dude? Tactical something? I’m not sure…but it scares me. But I’ve been brushing up on my own tactical skills so I am confident I could take him out at 450ft. (see below)

3. Meet ButtLover2720, ya that’s right. Love the Butts…


I checked out his profile, because his name is BUTTLOVER! Come on. And I SWORE I read “I LOVE ANAL” in his profile. The next day I went to show Irma and it was gone?!

Ah ha! I wasn’t crazy!

 4. I changed my profile to try and deter guys sending me messages like “SUP”.
I added a feature that enforces a character limit of 50 for the message being sent to me.


It took me a while to figure out what this dude did….

Then it dawned on me….he cut and pasted the ERROR MESSAGE into the body of the email to meet the 50 character setting. And that’s it. No message. Nothing. WTF.

 

 5. So ya. I’m still single. I think I’ll hit 40,000 profile views today. Do I get a prize? Fuck off.

6. I got to spend my birthday at the shooting range, it was awesome. And I can hit a bottle cap from 450 feet away. What’s up bitches?  

7. Uhh Yeah Dude is still the best podcast ever. Even when people from the UYD Nation are rude, whiny or bleeding heart stalkers on facebook or the forum. So now I just have tunnel vision and only listen to their mellifluous voices on my headphones.


 If you’re not listening, fuck you. Don’t read my blog, they are god damned funny and you should be listening by now. Welcome to 2011’s people.
8. I wish I would have got these awesome pictures of my brain BEFORE I inhaled my nose piercing this weekend. Blah blah….Ya I know I’m accident prone. And I have started keeping a list of the possible ways I may die. Because I know it won’t be of natural causes.
For the people who don’t understand twitter language….
That’s:
  • Torn aorta from nose piercing
  • Glass shard that travels to vital organ
  • Paper shredder
  • Punctured lung
  • Torn anus
  • Tetanus
  • Accidental laceration
  • Infection from cut/stab/slash
  • Getting trapped behind a large piece of furniture (it happens..see here)
  • Metal object in eye ball
  • Aneurism/Migraine/Brain Explosion
  • Pin that travels to heart
  • Stapling a body part
  • Hit by ice cream truck because I’m blind

I’m not making this list up…it’s based on my LIFE. And according to Irma I “need to be put in a home or get life alert”

9. My asshole-no-underwear-wearing-take-pictures-of-their-butts-with-my-camera-family told me to Google “BLUE WAFFLE” (do it, go ahead, it’s cool, but not you Mom. Mom DO NOT GOOGLE IT, for real) 
Ya. That almost made me puke. But I didn’t. I just spent the next 2 hours trying to find how TO NEVER GET BLUE WAFFLE! You can’t avoid it apparently. Or you can if you never have sex. So I am way ahead of the rest of you fuckers. Good luck with that.


10. I am a mysterious creature, its no secret. But I didnt know I could wooo a man with my thumbs's's. All three of them? ugh, I dont understand?



My thumbs said SO MUCH TO YOU? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

There are like 25 other pictures of me, and THIS is the one that moved him? Does he think I have 3 hands? 2 right thumbs? WTF?


Meh....Thats all I got. 

Oh and I messed up my layout. So enjoy this goofy format for now.
Godspeed!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

At least he did'nt drag it out for a couple months?

I have not been on Match.com in a couple months…
I log on today. Here’s the first email I get...I think it went well.




Friday, June 3, 2011

You. Officer. Are are CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER. GOOD DAY! I say GOOD DAY!


Driving to work, behind a cop is always a bitch. So for 3 miles I stay behind him la la la…
Almost to work, I hooks a left, turning into the left lane as the law states. Now I am behind 6 cars & the cop ALL IN THE LEFT LANE going 34 MPH. Ok fine.

I need to turn right soon. In the middle of switching lanes…WHAM! He breaks, flies behind me and throws on the lights. WTF!
I pull over, totally confused. He comes up to my window…in full on rage of fury, SCREAMING at me!
Cop: DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!? (Doing the tilted head over the sunglasses fuckhead move)
Me:  What? (Totally confused, because I just got pulled over damn near from the SIDE of my vehicle)
Cop: DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!? WITH PEOPLE GOING THE SPEED LIMIT!!?
Me:  Umm, no. I wasn’t speeding.
Cop: YOU PASSED ME!!!!!!!!! (Vein popping)
(Holy shit, this dudes REALLY PISSED)
Me:  I barely made it to the right lane before you all of a sudden were behind me with lights on! I couldn’t have been speeding, I haven’t GOTTEN ANYWHERE.

(Me trying not to get arrested & attempting to control the slew of WHATS, FUCKS & ASSHOLE’s trying to fly out of my mouth)
Cop: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
(Second cop car pulls up)
Me:  Excuse me? (Am I being punk’d? Well officer, there are A LOT of things wrong with me…)
Cop: DO YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING?
Me:  Ah, somewhere between 34 and 37? Depending on your radar? (But you didn’t RADAR ME when I was BEHIND YOU FUCKHEAD so really YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW FAST I WAS GOING, I am not amused by your fuckin riddles.)
Cop: SO YOU THINK ITS OK TO SPEED?!!!
Me:  No, (yes) I need to turn right soon, so I switched lanes that’s all…
Cop: LISCENCE AND INSURANCE.
Me:  Oooook.
So he waits for THIRTY MINUTES while I try to find my new insurance card in my truck and in my email account.
Anyways I got a “warning” I assume only because I was “smiling” through this whole ordeal. Because I really thought I was dealing with a crazy person.
I am still in shock at the fucking ridiculousness of this. If I was wrong I’d SAY IT and take the ticket and deal with it! I mean I have gotten well deserved tickets before (see below) and it was half as much of the I-GOT-CAUGHT-WITH-A-BOY-IN-THE-HOUSE-KIND-OF-SCREAMING-FATHER like as this asshole. This dude had SERIOUS issues.

Whatevs. Its a warning. A WARNINGGGGGG.
 V-Necks for life.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Dead foot skin towel....remains The Best Easter EVER.

Let me preface this story with this:

I share this story with you at GREAT embarrassment to myself (and my cousin) It covers almost everything a girl should NOT do. BUT it is by far one of the funniest things to happen in my family and must be shared. So here you are…

It is Easter Day, Me, my Brother…we’ll call him “Mot” and my cousin…"Ekim” just finished a HUGE dinner at my other cousin "Irol's" house. We come back to my apartment to relax…Mot is watching a race on TV and Ekim is reading. So I find this a good time to catch up some much needed foot maintenance. I bust out the cheese grater contraption and file all my dead skin worries away into a towel on the floor. I take the towel outside and dump what dead skin I can into the bushes and throw the towel on top of the washer, and go on about my life.

Fast forward to a couple hours later….

The big dinner has kicked in for all of us…Mot is sleeping in a turkey/pie coma in the bedroom and Ekim is in the bathroom…well you know. And I have a bubbling stomach…BAD. I go into the bedroom where Mot is sleeping soundly to get something and “let one slip”. It was bad…really bad...it smelled like feet and burnt corn chips.

So I jet out into the hallway giggling and run into the kitchen.

As soon as I get in the kitchen Ekim comes walking up the hallway and SCREAMS "OH! MY! GOD!!!!! WHAT! WHAT IS THAT!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Apparently I wafted into the hallway a bit…

So he runs into the kitchen frantically looking for something to mask the smell, I am roaring laughing which wakes up Mot, who gets up to see what all the commotion is about.
Ekim can’t find anything, so he grabs the first thing he could find to cover his face…that’s right. He grabs the dead foot skin towel from on top of the washer to cover his mouth to breathe in.

My response to this was not: “OH EKIM, NO! Not that towel it has dead skin foot chunks in it!”

My response was: slam to the floor crying laughing and pointing…

He realizes what he is LAUGHING AND BREATHING into and immediately starts puking in the trash can.

To which my response is: pee my pants on the kitchen floor. Everywhere. Which makes him puke more.

Mot is totally confused, looking at his sister laughing hysterically in a puddle of pee and his cousin throwing up in the trash can.

Ekim hates me at this point so after a good time spent laughing I get cleaned up and come back out to face him. We decide lets all go out for a smoke and analyze how this incident happened.

We meet my neighbors Zot and Moe out there and they want to hear the story! So I begin to tell them. But with the incident still being fresh, I couldn’t get through it without peeing my pants AGAIN…right there in the hallway on the cement. Not my proudest moments but even typing this, I am laughing.

This story is dedicated to Mo - Jon Bowman. Thank you for being a dear friend to many. You are truly missed by more people than you ever imagined.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Ya, I'm just gonna keep making up boyfriends in my head. Its cool.

Ok – The new round of online dating warrants a post.
To be fair, here is my profile…Don’t judge! Your gonna have to click the pics to read this crap & get the full effect, but totally worth it.
(I used to have a serious, nice, schmoopie kinda profile…but that didn’t work either)


Its not that I care about a guy having a BMW or a Benz, its the psycholgy of it!
Think about every dude you've seen in a 1996 Ford Mustang...I'll wait.

He was a DOUCHE WASNT HE?! YES!
Look, my first car was a MUSTANG it was DOPE! Because it was so dorky that it was cool. A hatchback, burgandy & had cloth seats. Awesome. Like this gem. (but not as cool)


* Shelby's do not count. Its the douche canoes in-between so dorky its cool & Shelby!
Ok continue...


Hi, Hi, Hi....are you ALL OKKKK?
 
 

Hey fuckface...Out of allllll the words in the english language, you chose BIG MOMMA to use when attempting to speak to me? REALLY? Thats the best you could fucking muster up?
Here's a new rule. Dont EVER, EVERRRR use the words BIG or MOMMA when talking to any woman other Tyler Perry or Martin Lawrence. Douche.


I WOULD NOT like to imagine. Thanks. I just did. Now I hate you more.



A CASTLE! FOR MEEEEE!!!! I'm so lucky that you ran out of YOUR comfort zone into MINE and made an exception for this pretty lady.
Bring your orange friend! we are gonna cuddle it the fuck up!


And a few dudes who have viewed me.

I didnt even notice he does like sleeves...missed that the first 6 times I stared at this trying to figure out WHY?


Again...Dudes...KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON. ON. ON YOUR BODY! at all times. Seriously. We dont wanna see your nipples. Young or old, we DONT WANNA SEE.
When we do wanna see, we will tell you.

This proves my point EXACTLY.
The fact that he found my profile out of millions. Stopped.
Built up enough pissyness to email me.
PROVES MY POINT.
I have seen mens profiles saying shit like NO CHUBBIES & NO FAT CHICKS. I dont email the guys to stand up for all chub-chubs around the world! I move the fuck on.

YES. Yes I do believe that.

Maria, what do gay horses eat?
What Tommy?
HAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!














And a lovely conversation I had with Uma today...





Me:  I don't even know what to sayyyyyyy

Uma:  you are gonna say... lets go out on a date.

Me:  but I don’t know what CLAP EM CHEEKS MEANS!
And...Wait. Is his name foreveraloneJPG? The JPG is PART OF THE NAME LOL
he is either hysterical or a total nut job. I'm so confused LOL

Uma:  clamp em cheeks means put his hands on your cheeks and squeeze and make yo face squishy. He’s cute... go out with him

Me:  this is how I know my brain is fucked. The only “clappin of cheeks” I am familiar with is like stripper...booty clappin kinda cheeks. Where did my life go wrong?

Uma:  well, maybe he means it in a sexual way... only one way to find out.

Peace.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Inappropriately Refreshing Ikea Illumination of Epiphany

Writing about boys or my actual feelings it not really my thing here on Big Butter but sometimes is ok right?
So, 3 years ago I had my heart ripped out by the Cuban. So I did what the magazines say and took a year off to “find myself” which worked out fine for the first year, I guess. No dates, no nothing. Good so far right?
The next year I got some wild hair up my ass and thought it would be a good idea to check in on the dude I didn’t want to marry in Nashville 4 yrs before. That didn’t work out and reminded me that my poor decision making in men isn’t quite fined tuned yet. So add on another full year and here we are. 3 years later.
Aside from a good yearly breakdown, I have been totally fine being single. I started going to school again and have a great outlook on life. There is a guy that I really like but he has his head up his ass so what can I do. That was a big kick to the ute. Whatevs.
This brings us to last weekend…
I decide I need to declutter/organize my condo. So I pick out this gigantic bookcase from ikea, destroy my art studio area to make room for it and go to get this bookcase.

I get my huge cart and go to aisle. Then! I get a how-have-you-been kind of email from the ex . I haven’t spoken to him in a year! Not since I told him I would have him arrested for stalking and possibly shoot him with a tranquilizer gun. I delete it and focus on the bookcase.
Ok 3 boxes, ok. Then I see in big red wording along the package “THIS ITEM REQUIRES TWO PEOPLE TO ASSEMBLE”. And that’s when all hell broke loose in Ikea.
The combination of being on the verge of cat lady syndrome + the ex’s email + the cluster fuck of liking a dude and it not going anywhere + THIS ITEM REQUIRES TWO PEOPLE TO ASSEMBLE = Complete nuclear meltdown in Ikea aisle.
I screamed FUCK THIS! (outloud) leave my cart, call Irma, crying & spitting out a million words per second.
Me (all in one breath & bawling/laughing):  DUDE! Thisfuckingbookshelfsays I needTWOpeople! I DONOTHAVETWOOOOO PEOPLE! GODDAMNIT! and******emailedme!WHY! OHBECAUSE ITS HISBIRTHDAYTODAY! FUCKHIM! FUCK!FUCK!FUCK! Whyhave I doneallthisfuckingwork tobehappywithmyself andfigureoutshit justto getshitonat Ikea! And Iactuallylike****andhe likesme! Butweare never gonnameet! I dontneedmorefriends! I needafuckingperson to helpmeget thisfuckingbookcase togetherbefore I become a hoarderandstart shitting inWalgreensbags! Andhavedeadcatsin myclothes! fuckthisshit! I leftmycart intheaisle& whyam Icrying!whatthefuckishappening!!!! ButI’mNOTok apparently! Becausethis shit, thisshitthatisgoingdown rightnowwww isn’tOK!
Irma: Umm, Maria.
Me: yes?
Irma: first. Did you take your meds?
Me: WHAT! YES!! AND FUCK YOU! My life is crumbling in IKEA damn it!
Irma: OK OK! I just wanted to check because sometimes you know you don’t get them with the mail order and all…
Me: ya that’s true. Sorry.
Irma: Ok, slow down…and what the fuck did you just say? Ikea? the dude? A bookshelf? Dead cats? An email? Its your birthday?
Irma does her sanity check / best friend magic and I came back to reality quickly. So I spend the weekend hating IKEA, how they don’t include screws and shit with their products & how everything is in Swedish Meatballs language.
I decide that aside from my meltdown in IKEA, I should prolly start dating again. What’s a gal to do in the twenty-elevens? I don’t go out, my friends are married, guys at school are socially inept. Fuck it. I decide to do match.com. Again…If anything it is always good for a laugh right? (See these gems from before)
One of the first dudes who “winks” at me is this gem.
Now before you people get all pissy with me. They wanna be treated like equals, right? Don’t be get all wishy washy because he’s in a wheelchair. Perhaps youuu have the problem with him being a wheelchair? Maybe you’re the discriminating one, Huh? Ya think about that. LOL
 It’s the COMBINATION OF WHEELCHAIR & HIS LAVISH KNOWLEDGE OF WOMEN.
You’re an “EX-PIMP”? And your name is “GOLDIE”?
“she don't need illumination, (she glows in the dark)” I know what illumination means, thank you.
I decided not to “wink” back at him. For a million reasons but mostly because when I read his profile this scenario popped in my head.
Goldie: Hey girl, hey (all sweet and pathetic like) come err, how you doin? How was your day? Good? That’s nice. You look nice...Then grabs my neck and SLAMS MY FACE ONTO HIS TIRE! BITCH! I TOLD YOU TO WEAR DEM GREEN PANTIES! (and smacks me with anything in his reach)
Me: Why do I have to wear the green ones?
GOLDIE: CUZ DAT’S DA CULA OF MONEY HO! And slaps the shit out of me. SILLY HO!


Soooo at this point I think I have 2 choices.
1.    Invest in some cats.
2.    Stay away from IKEA.

















Godspeed BITCHES!!!