I have this ongoing problem at school…
Night classes are a mix of younger and older students. I am not OLD but to them I might as well be 79.
The intellectual difference between the two groups seems slightly disturbing to me. And honestly makes me fear the future of the United States.
1st day of English II:
Instructor: Let’s get to know who you are. Please introduce yourself & tell us what your background is? Hobbies/interests? Career goals? What is an interesting fact about you? Easy enough right?
So I jot down what I am gonna say…
Me: My name is Maria D’Angelo
Background: I have a degree in Production Art & Graphic design, almost 15 yrs experience in SAP Software in IT, Finance & Sales/Distribution.
Hobbies/interests: I have been creating & selling my artwork for about 7 yrs and am working on growing my business.
Career goals: I already work in a corporate environment and hope to use BA of Fine Arts Degree along with my business experience to switch careers from IT to a more art driven career.
Interesting fact: I just completed a huge art contest and I am double jointed as fuck.
The class starts their Intro’s…
Dude #1 (who kept his douche-nozzle sunglasses on all class): "my dad is black my mom is Mexican" umm? Not that kinda background dude...UGH
Dude #2 (in full Columbine trench coat & what seemed to be a washed wool sweater on his head or it was his hair I couldnt tell): "I collect & sell Pokémon cards and at one time owned 27 rabbits, I used to show em at the fair"
Me, in my head: *In my brain this equals "I collect little boys in the cellar on my farm and have their pinkies in my pocket right now" Your going to kill me, dont make eye contact, dont make eye contact, dont make eye contact...want a candy bar?Umm excuse me, Mr. Columbine; is that HAY in your hair? I have been staring at the back of your head for about 30 minutes and yup! I definitely think its HAY. And your face is making me ITCH.
Chick #1: in a straight valley girl voice “Umm, I like just opened a Wet Seal store at the mall, ya. And I wanna do fashion merchandising”
Instructor: What program are you in?
Chick #1: “like the fashion one, ya know”
Instructor: “The Fashion Design-Bachelor of Fine Arts Program or the Fashion Marketing & Management-Bachelor of Fine Arts Program?”
Chick #1: “Ya, that one”
Me: ya teacher, you got it right. She wants to work at the slutty club clothing store and make stuff look prettttttty. Don't you understand?
Chick #2 (wearing a hoodie covered in DG logo's, skinny jeans, open toe stiletto boots covered in brass BALLS, a fake coach bag, leopard case on her blackberry and fake "Juicy" sunglasses on her head): "I aspire to work at DOTS, ya know the clothing store, cuz I really like fashion and trends ya know, like brands names"
It took everything I had not to stand up and say:
My Name is Maria, people call me Maria, but my family calls me Shinauvulva-qay but the F is silent.
Background: Moms Norwegian, like you know from the Nether-land, or is it the Nor-Way? Dads Sicilian, its little island by Mexico.
Hobbies/interests: I like to collect urinal cakes, then ya know like carve characters out of them, ya. Like Pooh, Mickey, Donald Duck…I make eco-friendly maxi-pads, in fun fabrics like puppies & ice cream cones, then selll them on etsy...Oh and I also have a special box that I keep all my toe nail clippings & dead skin in.
Career goals: I wanna work at the mall, like a Orange Julius or like Auntie Ann’s Pretzels. Not like Starbucks I think you gotta pass a test or something there. And I love brand names like COACH; those bags with the C’s all over them are so cool. I like to look like a Chinese market puked on me. I dont know why I am in college, LOLZ hmmm LATE!
Interesting fact: I’m a cutter, I slap my grand-ma, only shower on Thursdays, wipe back to front, I love Hello Kitty and I my favorite band is Gym Class Hero’s. I like loooove that song about my girlfriend. Wanna fuck? Like Umm, Ya.
WTF! I am in class with DEGENERATES, Probable serial killers & oh excuse me chick; I hate to tell you but YOU CAN WORK AT DOTS RIGHT NOW. They don't require a degree! I don't think you even need a social security number to work there! Leave class right now, run to Woodfield Mall across the street & live out your FUCKING DREAMS!
God help us.
God help us.