Saturday, April 3, 2010

Timmy from the 3rd strikes again! “You got real purdy hair lady. Purdier than them rabbits who had to go away”

I  posted the “Please don’t pee in the hallway” note on my door. I did this to address the owner of the light bladder leakage DOG. Who knew it would spark TIMMY from the 3rd floor to pop up again? Even after I have made it clear DO NOT TALK TO ME, STAND ON MY PORCH OR TOUCH MY MAIL. Since my last run in with him, it appears he has taken it upon himself to become some sort of hall monitor! He lives on the 3rd floor as he mentions every fucking time he talks. I live on the 1st floor. He really has no reason to be on my end of the 1st floor hallway…which means he walks the halls…
He must have seen the note on my door, and I can only imagine how long he was standing outside my door reading all those W-O-R-D-S on my letter. I came home yesterday and in true Timmy from the 3rd floor fashion I found this taped to my door. Read it like 4 is completely insane...
"Hello my good friend from 303L" No TIMMY YOUUU live on 303 NOT ME!...
Click to enlarge...
"See the good I do"
I ripped it off and SUNK into my couch….WHYYYYYYYY? And WHAT THE FUCK DUDE! I have called the association on him, told him to stay off my porch, told him we will never be “friends” or “more” & please don’t touch my mail. What else do I do people?

ANNNNND yesterday I am sitting on my porch smoking a cigarette and dee da dee here comes TIMMY! He says out of nowhere totally unprovoked! “Ya the hallway smell bad, I spray” I just stare at him. He walks away and comes right back…”Are you going home for Easter? I am having brunch, ya there’s a lot of food, so much food…your hair looks pretty” I just stare.

All I could think of for the rest of the night was Lennie from Of Mice and Men….Here is my version of how it is gonna go down.
Since I was a child my luxurious hair has always been a source of admiration and envy.

One day I took a wrong turn and found myself on the 3rd floor. “Oh shit” I exclaimed as I spotted Lennie from Of Mice and Men walking towards me in his Jewel Osco hat and tube socks. “Hide, hide before Lenny sees your wondrous mane” my brain shouted at my body. But it was too late. Lenny immediately sensed the presence of me and my prized ringlets. His heavy, unwieldy legs bounded over to where I stood.

“Lady, I never seen anything like it” he said

“You got real purdy hair lady. Purdier than them rabbits who had to go away”

“Please, I must get going now” I said

“I gots to pet it” he said

“Nooooo” I shouted as Lenny’s hairy hydraulic paws grasped at my tragic bouffant. His petting was as thorough and invasive as Steinbeck had suggested. And yet, and yet… I was still alive. “I might make it” I thought.

This proved to be premature. As I wriggled uncomfortably and ruminated on the possibility of surviving the ordeal of becoming his human hug machine/pet.

I fell, as limp as a stringy puppet. Lenny scuttled away, to a whole new floor and a whole new petting-related nightmare. I lay lifelessly: a lonely corpse with exquisite hair.

Gruesome I know but…after my friend Greg told me how he used to work for the special Olympics and his job was to greet the special runners with a hug as the crossed the finish line, and one kid hugged him so hard he crack 3 ribs and broke 1…I now know they may mean well but sometimes they can squish you to death LOL. Greg hasn’t been right ever since!

Fuck this…I have to out smart Timmy from the 3rd floor, before Slingblade Lennie kills me like a mouse.

1 comment:

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