Wednesday, February 24, 2010

DUDE...yup, Its weird work guy, everybodies got one...

Ok, I used to work with this guy, everyone works with one of “these guys”. This one was EXTRA SPECIAL, VERY SPECIAL….and WEIRD.

Let me clarify some things for you before you read on…
Here are some of his special qualities -

• We don’t require a “Disclaimer” on the bottom of our emails. He did this ON HIS OWN.
• He wore only sweater vests.
• Him being Pakistani had NOTHING to do with his weirdness.So don’t send me hate mails! He was born here and I work with 6 other Paki’s and Indians in my department, and love them. It was just him, and the feeling was group wide.
• He was THAT GUY, he used a million words when he could have just used 2. Words like “absquatulation”, “anti-disestablishment” & “innuendo”…NONE of these words have anything to do the line of work we are in. They should not be applied in any situation! “innuendo” seriously? We work in IT Finance, at multi-billion dollar company! But he found a way…
• He was a suck up…bad. I assume to over compensate for lying on his resume and getting into a position he was not qualified for. (yes this is verified)
• He was very irate; he would yell and act crazy in the middle of office, then not hear a peep from him for days.
• We didn’t get along…yes I know how could someone not get along with me, right? but it wasnt just me. I ignored him and didn’t even make eye contact for over a year and when I did have contact with him it didn’t go well.
• He got fired. And now that I feel enough time has passed that I won’t get shot in the parking lot…I share this with you.

Because I am NOT TOTALLY retarded I have changed his name (although still similar) and all address and reference’s to my workplace.

So – this is the chunk that would be attached to EVERY single email he sent.

Naathim Shirshirchandra
Business Analyst II
1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
Mountain View, IL 60012 (ILLINOIS)
United States of America
Naathim.Shirshirchandra@nunya.com (e-mail address)

*If we don’t know what state that is or know that’s an email address we probably are not qualified to be operating a computer or work in the positions we are in.

And here is his personalized unnecessary disclaimer:

“IMPORTANT: This e-mail and/or any attached document(s) contain information that may be confidential, legally privileged and/or otherwise protected from disclosure to anyone other than its intended recipient(s). In the event that you are not the intended recipient, you may not read, copy, distribute and/or use this information. If this message is received in error, then immediately notify the sender via reply e-mail and delete the message without disclosure. Electronic-based communications cannot be guaranteed to be timely, secure, error or virus-free. Nothing authored in this e-mail from
Mr. Naathim Shirshirchandra shall constitute an Electronic Signature or give legal effect under 44 U.S.C 3504 § 1707.”

Mr.? Really? And where the F did you find this nonsense? You stole it from someone else’s email that doesn’t work here didn’t you! DIDN’T YOU!

Here is the email I sent to my co-worker notifying him of myyyy new disclaimer for emails.

Hello Coworker,
I, BigButter Heysus (no middle name it’s a family thing, just ask me and I can send you another email where I referenced myself priory to not having a middle name on November 11 of the prior year to this year (2009) on the 2008) *Please reference here for an explanation of calendars.
Nevertheless, I have instituted a new disclaimer for my email. When I speak of email let me clarify my clarification, I mean correspondence between myself and other co-workers here at WORKPLACE INC. located at 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway, Mountain View, IL 60012 U.S.A (the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA)


IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes as an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word “absquatulation” has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the Yorkshire terrier next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft: However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing. Nothing authored in this e-mail, on this day in history from Ms. BigButter Heysus (yes you must preface my name with Ms.) shall constitute an Electronic Signature or give legal effect under 44 U.S.C. 3504 §1707 sucka face. *Repeatedly using the word “innuendo” instead of “suggested” or “implied” may result in a beating to the face and neck area & being sent back to the 8th grade to re-take Grammar in the English language. *Yelling at Ms. BigButter will only result in you looking like a complete psycho, and will cement the fact that no one will befriend you. EVEN if you run up to the new girl and say “Hi I am Naathim, you should be friends with me, not them, do you know where the vending machines are? No, ok it’s ok you don’t have to find them, I have snacks in my drawer”. This is not only NEEDY, INSANE and UNSTABLE behavior but a bit scarey to small Indian women.


Thank you,
BigButter "No Middle Name" Heysus
WORKPLACE, INC.
1600 Amphitheatre Parkway, Mountain View, IL 60012 (ILLINOIS, it’s the state below Wisconsin)
U.S.A (UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, it’s the country below Canada)
619-555-0000 (phone number)
BBH@nunya.com (email address)
Mother maiden name “Ain’t Proper”

2 comments:

Tria said...

Unicorns!!!

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