Wednesday, February 24, 2010

DUDE...yup, Its weird work guy, everybodies got one...

Ok, I used to work with this guy, everyone works with one of “these guys”. This one was EXTRA SPECIAL, VERY SPECIAL….and WEIRD.

Let me clarify some things for you before you read on…
Here are some of his special qualities -

• We don’t require a “Disclaimer” on the bottom of our emails. He did this ON HIS OWN.
• He wore only sweater vests.
• Him being Pakistani had NOTHING to do with his weirdness.So don’t send me hate mails! He was born here and I work with 6 other Paki’s and Indians in my department, and love them. It was just him, and the feeling was group wide.
• He was THAT GUY, he used a million words when he could have just used 2. Words like “absquatulation”, “anti-disestablishment” & “innuendo”…NONE of these words have anything to do the line of work we are in. They should not be applied in any situation! “innuendo” seriously? We work in IT Finance, at multi-billion dollar company! But he found a way…
• He was a suck up…bad. I assume to over compensate for lying on his resume and getting into a position he was not qualified for. (yes this is verified)
• He was very irate; he would yell and act crazy in the middle of office, then not hear a peep from him for days.
• We didn’t get along…yes I know how could someone not get along with me, right? but it wasnt just me. I ignored him and didn’t even make eye contact for over a year and when I did have contact with him it didn’t go well.
• He got fired. And now that I feel enough time has passed that I won’t get shot in the parking lot…I share this with you.

Because I am NOT TOTALLY retarded I have changed his name (although still similar) and all address and reference’s to my workplace.

So – this is the chunk that would be attached to EVERY single email he sent.

Naathim Shirshirchandra
Business Analyst II
1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
Mountain View, IL 60012 (ILLINOIS)
United States of America (e-mail address)

*If we don’t know what state that is or know that’s an email address we probably are not qualified to be operating a computer or work in the positions we are in.

And here is his personalized unnecessary disclaimer:

“IMPORTANT: This e-mail and/or any attached document(s) contain information that may be confidential, legally privileged and/or otherwise protected from disclosure to anyone other than its intended recipient(s). In the event that you are not the intended recipient, you may not read, copy, distribute and/or use this information. If this message is received in error, then immediately notify the sender via reply e-mail and delete the message without disclosure. Electronic-based communications cannot be guaranteed to be timely, secure, error or virus-free. Nothing authored in this e-mail from
Mr. Naathim Shirshirchandra shall constitute an Electronic Signature or give legal effect under 44 U.S.C 3504 § 1707.”

Mr.? Really? And where the F did you find this nonsense? You stole it from someone else’s email that doesn’t work here didn’t you! DIDN’T YOU!

Here is the email I sent to my co-worker notifying him of myyyy new disclaimer for emails.

Hello Coworker,
I, BigButter Heysus (no middle name it’s a family thing, just ask me and I can send you another email where I referenced myself priory to not having a middle name on November 11 of the prior year to this year (2009) on the 2008) *Please reference here for an explanation of calendars.
Nevertheless, I have instituted a new disclaimer for my email. When I speak of email let me clarify my clarification, I mean correspondence between myself and other co-workers here at WORKPLACE INC. located at 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway, Mountain View, IL 60012 U.S.A (the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA)

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes as an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word “absquatulation” has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the Yorkshire terrier next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft: However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing. Nothing authored in this e-mail, on this day in history from Ms. BigButter Heysus (yes you must preface my name with Ms.) shall constitute an Electronic Signature or give legal effect under 44 U.S.C. 3504 §1707 sucka face. *Repeatedly using the word “innuendo” instead of “suggested” or “implied” may result in a beating to the face and neck area & being sent back to the 8th grade to re-take Grammar in the English language. *Yelling at Ms. BigButter will only result in you looking like a complete psycho, and will cement the fact that no one will befriend you. EVEN if you run up to the new girl and say “Hi I am Naathim, you should be friends with me, not them, do you know where the vending machines are? No, ok it’s ok you don’t have to find them, I have snacks in my drawer”. This is not only NEEDY, INSANE and UNSTABLE behavior but a bit scarey to small Indian women.

Thank you,
BigButter "No Middle Name" Heysus
1600 Amphitheatre Parkway, Mountain View, IL 60012 (ILLINOIS, it’s the state below Wisconsin)
U.S.A (UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, it’s the country below Canada)
619-555-0000 (phone number) (email address)
Mother maiden name “Ain’t Proper”

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

So ya say your a germaphobe.....I see your germiness and raise you 1

Cohabitating with family is always a treat. My cousin Ekim is one of my very best friends and has always amused me. Our moms, Aunts & Grandma are always nervous when we are together…WHAT WILL THEY GET INTO NOW.

So I have complied a series of Ekim & Err (that’s what he calls me) short stories…

The “Dead Foot Skin Towel” incident triggered a slew of pranks within our apartment.

Here is one of many…We always had this battle with the laundry. Ya see, Ekim is a bit of a germaphobe. This is where the problem started. He didn’t mind taking the clothes from the washer and putting them in the dryer BUT would leave all my freshly washed and CLEAN underwear and bras in the washer to rot. Because he didn’t want to touch them! We have gone around and around about this.

Me: Ekim! Don’t leave my shit in the washer to rot! I have to wash it all over again!

Ekim: I can’t touch it.

Me: They are CLEAN! They are in THE WASHER!

Ekim: I can’t.

Me: Put a sock on your damn hand and put them in the dryer.

Ekim: I can’t.

Me: They were in the washer WITH YOUR STUFF mingling around!
Ekim: NOPE, I can’t.


I work a 7am – 4pm shift. Ekim is working from about 3pm – 7am LONG HOURS. At this freight place.

So one day I get home from work, go to the washer and find a picked through pile of soaking wet underwear and bras sittin in the washer….I’ve HAD IT.
Knowing he is a germaphobe and won’t touch my girly garments, I decide I will MAKE HIM.
I take every bra & underwear I own, and stuff them in his bed, deep in the sheets, in his pillow cases…EVERYWHERE. Giggling and feeling satisfied that I have created a fabulous prank, I go to bed. Dreaming of how funny it will be when he gets home tomorrow morning and he will HAVE to touch my undies to get in his precious bed after his long shift.

I go to work the next day, didn’t hear from him…weird….I come home…his room is clean…no undies…no bras…what the BEANS & FRANKS IS GOING ON!?

I go in to my bedroom…and realize I have lost my battle. This germaphobe freak has put on rubber gloves; pick up every garment, and TAPED THEM TO MY CEILING! Along with TP’ing my room in 4 rolls of paper.
The mirror has “GERMS” written on it in blue tape and he has left the rubber gloves on my bed.
Ok ya haa haa, he got me. So I try to pull a pair of undies down from the ceiling…I can’t! They are not dangling so I could REACH them OH NOOOOO. He thought this out! He knew my short ass would try to stand on my bed and get them down so he didn’t put any in a radius around my bed.
He won’t be home until tomorrow morning…so I have to go across the hall and ask my lovely neighbors to “help me”….they laughed so freaking hard and we have been great friends ever since.
Repercussion to this coming soon…..

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I only hook up at 1ft - 4ft in the air, I get more points that way...

I don’t make a habit of talking to people much on flights after my experience on a 6am New Year’s Day flight several years ago. I was sitting with an older couple from Green Bay, WI. They were covered head to toe in Green Bay Packer paraphernalia; they shared their excitement with me about this being their first time on a plane…EVER. I was hung-over, BAD. I could smell the vodka seeping out of my pours but they didn’t seem to mind that I had not slept all night and just partied until I got on the plane at 6am. Still drunk, Guido hair still done up and a layer of makeup that did not seem to make sense with the sweat pants and hoodie I was now wearing. I was still covered in glitter and a nights worth of bad decisions but, I stayed awake while they showed me pictures of their 4 kids, grand kids and pets.
While sharing a pb & j sandwich she had packed from home in wax paper, I learned they are retired, she likes to knit, collects dolls, she loves her new lawn ornament that her husband made in his workshop, bakes treats, still enjoys the lost art of letter writing, he like likes sports, Letterman, recently got a John Deere….all on a 2 hour plane trip. They were a super sweet Midwest couple and I hope I will be that happy when I am old. Lesson learned – You can get drunk and do stupid shit but god and the airlines know each other and will make YOU PAY one jelly sammich at a time..
So when I was about 26 yrs old I was on a red-eye, Southwest flight from Las Vegas to Nashville. The flight was less than half full and this super dorky guy kept trying to talk to me. He looked like every other middle-aged guy traveling for business. He had what I call the “IT Guy Body” (orby middle section, slumped down shoulders and skinnnny arms because they just look at porn and play games never getting movement beyond their wrists) the work logo windbreaker jacket, polo shirt, khakis, appropriate shoes and an overall look of “I hate my life”…

We were flying over an unbelievable thunderstorm and I just wanted to look out the window and watch the storm from above the clouds, but he kept bugging me and moved into the seat next to me. He was asking me stupid questions and I was trying to be polite but was just answering yes, no or oh. Hoping he would go away. So I am half ass listening to him, then, not caring that he was talking to a woman who wasn’t really paying attention…He leans over all pervy like, put his hand on my arm and whispers to me:

“Soooo…are you a member of the mile high club?”

To which my response was “No, I normally fly Northwest” dead serious.
He giggled like I was kidding…I wasn’t. I had no idea what he was talking about. Why does this dude care if I collect frequent flyer miles? Idiot. Thennnn it hit me…wait! What the hell did he just ask me!?

Me: Are you married? (Looking at the ring on his left hand)

Him: well ya

Me: Is your wife picking you up from the airport?

Him: Umm, why?

Me: What the fuck are you doing talking to me? Seriously? Get back in your seat over there or I will make this the worst flight of your life, and will be sure to introduce myself to her at baggage claim.

It’s amazing…A) how completely oblivious and ditzy I can be sometimes and B) how fast a dude can get back in his seat when he realizes I am not as cool as I look.

We give him 1.5 Truck Nutz...for the effort.